By Lucy O’Connor

First published in Mayhem Literary Journal, issue 10 (2022)

Between grabbing the keys and slamming the front door he hadn’t said a word. She looks at the table, which still holds his dirty plate and used cutlery, and guesses she’s on dishes again. They can wait, but she stacks the plates before checking the time on the oven: 7.19pm.  

The soles of her bare feet squeak as they connect with the polished wooden floorboards that line the hallway to their bedroom. With him gone, for the first time since signing-up, her stomach hums with the anticipation of doing something brand new. 

She’d re-applied her makeup after work and before dinner while the sausages grilled; but looking in the square mirror above the dresser, she sees her lip gloss has escaped the outline of her lips and her cheeks have gone noticeably red. She pumps foundation onto the back of her hand and blots the flush with a green sponge shaped like a cartoon teardrop. She likes sqthe feeling of squishing it between her fingers. She’s rushing, reassuring herself that even if streaks remain, no one will notice through a screen. Using the rim of her thumbnail, she scrapes off the excess lip gloss from around the edges of her  mouth. What was she thinking, applying this before dinner?  

She’s reasonably happy with her face now. She tests some expressions with the intent of memorising a few that make her look collected, but she can’t convince herself. She knows from experience that the longer she stands here, the more any good feelings will drain. 

Her desk is also in their bedroom, unfortunately, crammed between the freestanding wardrobe and the dresser. At least it faces out the window. She plops into her office chair and swishes the mousepad on her MacBook Pro so the screen lights up. She clicks on the envelope icon and starts scrolling through headlines. 

Your Must-Have Shopping List for Summer!

Re: job opportunities 

Here’s this month’s bill 

Seven Foods to Avoid According to Science 

You’re in! Welcome to Feminine Divine. 

She clicks and skims the text, hunting for the link.

Welcome, {first_nam,e}! 

It’s my joy to welcome you to Feminine Divine. 

You might be here because you’ve been following me on Instagram for a while (@BiancaLoveCoach), or maybe a friend recommended my course. Whatever made you take this beautiful, brave leap, just know that you’re exactly where you need to be — and I’m so happy you’re here! 

Feminine Divine has called you to unearth and embody the intuitive, powerful goddess that’s buried deep inside you, just waiting for permission to rise. Can you hear her whispering, {first_nam,e}? She’s been guiding you all along.  

Across six weeks, we’ll journey together to manifest harmony in your relationship and true alignment with your soul. Our first group session - ‘Maiden’ - will be held on Tuesday May 12th and will start at 7.30pm. Please be aware that I will not let anyone onto the call after 7.35pm. Our time is sacred. When it arrives, please join me by clicking this link. 

With abundance and relentless joy, 

Bianca x 

She hovers her mouse over the link and looks to the top right of her screen. 7.28. She doesn’t want to be the first one on the Zoom call; small talk has never been a strength. But she’s here to change her life, improve her relationship. Bianca says these things are only possible when one gets out of one’s comfort zone. She plugs in her headphones, pushes the buds into her ears, breathes in, and clicks. 

Please wait, the host will let you in soon. 

Fuck she’s over the top. She hates this about herself. Hates it more that she speaks to herself like this, though. The light from her laptop is hitting the skin of her face and she can see her own reflection. She leans closer for a final check and realises that no one will notice if her mascara is running. Fuck she’s vain. She hates this about herself, too. 

At exactly 7.30pm, her screen starts to glitch and the holding text disappears. A 2D Bianca flickers into view. She’s cast inside a small rectangle surrounded by several others that cage the faces of  strangers. This reminds her of an American yearbook or a cluster of photos in an old album, the kind with the crêpey plastic sleeves.  

‘Hello, hello, hello everybody! Can you all hear me ok? It is such a pleasure to see your beautiful faces.’ 

Bianca’s rectangle is the only one outlined in highlighter green. The women on the call smile benignly and wear their hair loose. Without conscious effort, her gaze floats to her own rectangle. She adjusts her expression and notices, thanks to the reverse camera, that the cushions on her bed are not symmetrical.  

‘Welcome to ‘Maiden’, our first session in Feminine Divine. It might sound strange, but I’ve been dreaming about you all. None of you are here by chance.’ 

Bianca is wearing a flowing white long-sleeve top, or it could be a dress, and sits in a chair with a high woven back that creates a halo-effect around her head. With every word she gesticulates in hypnotic motions that shift at the pace of a mime. 

‘Everyone here is on time, which is essential if we’re to work towards the divinity that comes through self-respect. You’re already off to a great start.’ 

Bianca radiates. The wall behind her is the colour of bone. Green plants are visible at the corner edges of her rectangle. She’s living in a stock image.  

‘During our first session, I’m lenient with latecomers because I know it can take a while to make the connection between being on time and honouring oneself. So, what I usually do is spend the first few minutes speaking to my story before we get into the yummy stuff that’s all about you. Okay?’

She watches herself nod in symphony with the other women. She notices that Bianca’s face looks different to how it does on Instagram. Not in a bad way, just less puffed up, or maybe the whites of her eyes aren’t as clear. 

‘So, as you’re probably aware, my name is Bianca...’ She knows this next part. How Bianca used to work as a lawyer. How she wasn’t feeling fulfilled. How she burnt herself out trying to embody what society said a successful woman should look like. How the fact that she had a more credible job than her boyfriend always caused problems in their relationship. How Bianca reclaimed herself by investing in a relationship coach. How afterwards, she felt called to quit her job and become a coach herself. ‘I went deep within to unearth my inner goddess and truly embody the person I am today. I feel at my most aligned when I’m guiding women, just like you, towards their own empowerment and liberation.’ 

As Bianca is delivering her monologue, two other women join the call. One appears to be finishing a bowl of pasta. The other is distinctive because of her ponytail. 

‘I told you we’d have a couple of latecomers! Welcome, welcome. You’re just in time. We’re about to get into it. Ladies, thank you for listening to my story. I feel honoured to hold space for you in Feminine Divine. I can’t wait to witness you uncover your own inner goddess and grow from maidens into the true queens you are.’ 

She feels she should applaud. Bianca’s eyes are glassy. She looks like she’s about to levitate. 

‘Now you know who I am, it’s time to meet all of you. With openness and generosity, I’d like each of you to share the reason you felt called to Feminine Divine. To frame up our session, I’d also like you to contribute one word that describes what you think a great relationship should feel like. We’ll start with Candice?’ 

In the top-right rectangle, Candice snaps to attention and her mouth makes an ‘oop’ shape. Candice leans forward to rest her chin atop her clasped hand. Her eyes dart off camera and gaze into the void of her room. She looks back at the camera, or is she looking at herself? Her lips move up and down, but no sound emerges. ‘Candice, I think you’re still on mute!’ 

Benign smiles turn into benign toothy grins. Everyone is secretly pleased that Candice’s mistake might make them appear more competent, more together. 

‘Sorry, everyone! Hi, I’m Candice. Um, I suppose I felt called to these sessions because my life is so chaotic! And I love what Bianca puts out on social media. What was the other bit…? Oh yeah, to me, a great relationship feels like a calm ocean.’ 

She resonates with Candice. She’d like her relationship to be a calm ocean.  

‘Thank you, Candice. We won’t mention that your answer was two words because that was such a beautiful start! We’ll move on to Jackie?’ 

Jackie sits back in her chair and starts swivelling from side to side. 

‘Hey! I’m Jackie. I’m here because I’ve tried loads of therapy before, but I think it’s time to try a coach because I still feel stuck to be honest. So, actually, I guess that’s what I think a great relationship should feel like. The opposite of stuck: Free.’ 

‘Wow, Jackie, that’s powerful. I’m sorry therapy didn’t work for you. I hope you feel proud for staying committed to your journey, committed to yourself. Maeve?’ 

Maeve has the ponytail and thinks great relationships should feel intuitive. Julia thinks they should feel trusting. Tilly offers supportive. Sarah suggests natural. As each person takes their turn, Bianca nods, closes her eyes and inhales as if each answer reaches her in the form of oxygen. 

‘Thank you, Melanie. We here on the call will certainly do our best to support you to nurture a relationship that’s synchronous. What a gorgeous word: Synchronous. Doesn’t it sound juicy and nourishing?’ 

Multiple heads cock to the side. Everyone on the call hates Melanie and wishes they’d thought of her word first. ‘We’ve nearly come full circle. Our final maiden—would you like to close us off?’ 

She shifts in her chair. She has been listening to everyone’s answers, but also trying to think of something unique and rehearsing possibilities in her head. She’s decided to be honest. Surely this will give her the best chance of success. Having learnt from Candice’s mistake, she grips her mouse and clicks unmute.  

‘Hi, everyone. I’m here because I’ve been following Bianca  for ages and finally decided to bite the bullet. And I think a great relationship should feel like equality.’ 

Was ‘bite the bullet’ too aggressive? She flashes her teeth and leans back. She hears the plastic frame strain. She hasn’t re-muted  herself. She wonders if people will know she’s cheap. 

‘Magnificent. Can I ask you to elaborate on your response a little bit?’ 

She feels the blood vessels in her cheeks prickle. No one else has been asked to provide more detail. She keeps smiling and thinks she hears herself say ‘sure’.  

‘Um, I think there needs to be equality in a good relationship. Little things like both partners doing the same amount of work around the house. Or putting equal time into looking after a pet. Just making an equal effort, I guess.’ 

Bianca’s eyes flick up so she’s staring straight down the barrel of the camera. 

‘Thank you, beautiful. I’m glad this came up organically.’ She grins like a dumb dog and her mind feels soupy. She flicks her microphone to mute and exhales audibly. She didn’t realise she was holding her breath. 

‘The reason I asked our sister to elaborate on her word choice is because it gives us a great starting point for the shift you’ll undergo throughout Feminine Divine. I’d like to do a quick exercise. If you  think a good relationship feels like equality, could you please raise your hand?’ 

About nine hands shoot up, including her own. Having contributed the word, she’s under obligation. 

‘Okay. For those who raised their hands, how many of you would also describe your current relationship as a success?’ Only one arm lifts back up. It’s not hers. Bianca clasps her hands underneath her chin. 

‘Hmm. May I ask you to expand on why you feel your relationship has equality and is a success, Melanie?’ 

Of course it’s fucking Melanie, whose hair gleams even though it’s nighttime. 

'Of course! I think my relationship is equal and a success because we don’t expect each other to be good at the same things. For example, I’m super organised so I always remind him if we’ve got something coming up. We try to be grateful for what the other person brings. But there’s always room for improvement, right?'

Bianca looks poised to give a gold star. 

‘Magical, Melanie. Thank you for setting the tone perfectly.’ 

‘No worries, Bianca!’ 

She’s certain that many fists would be pounding Melanie by now if not for the barrier of the screen. 

‘In Feminine Divine, part of our work is to release earthly labels like ‘equality’. These types of words are manufactured. They focus too much on box-ticking and politics. Despite popular opinion, I believe they do very little to serve our modern relationships with men.’ 

She locks her brow to stop it from creasing, and bats away the voice that’s debating Bianca in her head. 

‘As women we are born with a regal intuition that lives in our wombs, a wisdom deeper than our conscious mind. From the moment we’re born, society forces us to bury this inner guidance and tells us our softer, more playful, more domestic feminine instincts are wrong.’ 

The screen resembles a dashboard of bobbleheads. Some women are taking notes. Others are sipping from artisan mugs. They all look intent. 

‘Women are being indoctrinated to believe that their masculine energy is most valuable and important. This leaves little space for the feminine. In work, we compete for power and control, and vie  for high paying jobs. In sex, we act with numbers and conquest in mind, not sensuality and romance. Even small things are influencing a universal shift away from feminine energy, like the way we choose to dress.’ 

She glances down at her own black button-up, made from rigid cotton. It’s professional, definitely not sensual.

‘We’re going to journey away from what we think we know in our heads and back to what our inner goddess has always known in her heart.’ 

Bianca pauses, scans the screen, places her right hand on her left breast. 

‘The modern world has made us great mouthpieces for ideas like equality, so it’s pretty normal if your first reaction is one of resistance. But it’s your feminine instinct that has brought you here, and you must trust that it would never lead you anywhere not meant for you. Don’t worry, I’m here to guide you back to your Feminine Divine with compassion and gentleness.’ 

She has an urge to curl up in the fetal position and wants Bianca to rake her hair. 

‘For the next part of our session, I want you to identify times when you feel you leaned too far into your masculine energy and think about what effect that had on your relationship.’ 

She easily recalls the unsolicited grocery list she sent him last weekend, how he claims she embarrasses him by refusing to wax. ‘Beginning to recognise these patterns moving forwards is the key to rebalancing the interplay between masculine and feminine. Across the next six weeks, we’ll reopen your feminine channels so they’re ripe for renewed exploration. And if you’ve read my testimonials, you’ll know that women who’ve journeyed with me before often  make a point about how pleasurable this journey can be!’

Bianca winks. Faces on screen crease and titter. Hands cover prudish mouths. She senses what feels like fishing-line tweaking somewhere deep beneath her belly button. She decides to wear more lingerie. She decides to have a hot chocolate ready for him when he gets home.